Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Lost in the Crowds

The crowd is slowly moving. Shuffling along the path
that leads them to nowhere. But they continue to move
under the flaming sky as planes soar over their heads
shaking the ground they stand on as they wait to climb
aboard. And the little boy is crying because he does not
have any room to play.

For his home and his comfy bed, and the freedom to play
he longs for.  Not until the end of the path.
But where is it, he does not
know. even as the people move
forward and forward, some even beginning to climb
onto the platform where they are being counted by the head

Counting as they enter: one thousand two hundred and sixty seven heads 
of men with out their cigars ,women without their lipstick and children who cant play 
and then comes the ascent, slowly climbing
huffing and puffing until it attains a steady rhythm on the path 
wheels turning, engine churning his stomach in knots
for days on end it continues to move

But now it has stopped, and the people begin to move
The young boy is lost amongst the thousands of other heads
and it is not too long before until the tears can not
be held back. If this is the game of life, he does not want to play.
He feels a smack from behind, shoving him onto the undesired path 
that takes him to the stairs stairs and he begins to climb

Unsteadily, he is climbing
his arms so frail and small,his short legs weakly move.
He did not chose this path 
Yet he will still forge ahead 
This horrid game I can no longer play 
To continue on? I simply can not. 

But choosing to give up is not
the the right decision and he continues to climb
and the tunes begin to play
they sweep him off his feet and move 
him around in circles, kissing his forehead
welcome back our boy, you have chosen the right path 


thats brought you to your home.

8 comments:

  1. Hi!! I really enjoyed reading this sestina and I think you effectively used the form of the sestina to convey the confusion of the journey depicted in the poem. There is some really good imagery in this poem, the first stanza in particular presented an incredible, emotionally charged image. I also enjoyed the image of "engine churning his stomach in knots" as engines and stomach both churn, and also engines can churn stomachs into knots by causing motion sickness. It also transmits the feeling of anxiety and confusion prevalent throughout the poem.
    You could improve this poem by strengthening the second to last stanza- I understand the sentiment of this stanza but if you added the imagery that is found elsewhere in your poem it could be even better!
    Nice poem!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I love the emotions and descriptions you artfully displayed in this poem! My favorite line was in the first stanza: "And the little boy is crying because he does not have any room to play." Though it becomes the center for this repetitive poem, in the first stanza it appears to be an afterthought, though of great importance, which is exactly what it is for the child. At the end of the poem, your lines become shorter. This might be purposeful (or not), but it seemed to suggest that the speaker can no longer continue: "To continue on? I simply can not." I think you should try to perfect these last two stanzas, especially by making it clear how the speaker goes from "I will still forge ahead" and then to saying that he can't continue.

    I am so curious as to if this is referring to a specific historical event and what it is.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I love the emotions and descriptions you artfully displayed in this poem! My favorite line was in the first stanza: "And the little boy is crying because he does not have any room to play." Though it becomes the center for this repetitive poem, in the first stanza it appears to be an afterthought, though of great importance, which is exactly what it is for the child. At the end of the poem, your lines become shorter. This might be purposeful (or not), but it seemed to suggest that the speaker can no longer continue: "To continue on? I simply can not." I think you should try to perfect these last two stanzas, especially by making it clear how the speaker goes from "I will still forge ahead" and then to saying that he can't continue.

    I am so curious as to if this is referring to a specific historical event and what it is.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I love the emotions and descriptions you artfully displayed in this poem! My favorite line was in the first stanza: "And the little boy is crying because he does not have any room to play." Though it becomes the center for this repetitive poem, in the first stanza it appears to be an afterthought, though of great importance, which is exactly what it is for the child. At the end of the poem, your lines become shorter. This might be purposeful (or not), but it seemed to suggest that the speaker can no longer continue: "To continue on? I simply can not." I think you should try to perfect these last two stanzas, especially by making it clear how the speaker goes from "I will still forge ahead" and then to saying that he can't continue.

    I am so curious as to if this is referring to a specific historical event and what it is.

    ReplyDelete
  5. The imagery and emotions depicted here are incredible. I really like how the little boy is established as the central character- such a small child in an immense crowd, yet he is still significant. My favorite line is in the third stanza- "men without their cigars, women without their lipstick, and children who can't play." This line highlights the emotion that goes hand in hand with the simple pleasures these people have lost. I would change some of the "ing" verbs to establish more of a sense of immediacy. For example, change "engine churning" to "churns" and "he is climbing" to "he climbs." Also, in the last stanza, I think using "right" for both "decision" and "path" is repetitive, so maybe switch it out for a synonym like "correct" or "proper"? These are super minor changes, though. Good job overall! Like Tzivya, I am also wondering what specific event this poem is referring to.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I really liked this poem and I think you executed it well! you can really feel the emotion coming from the speaker and from the characters presented. You can really feel a closeness for the boy in the story. I am wondering though what this poem represents and its message to its readers is. another suggestion is to just watch for filler words that aren’t needed for the content of the poem. Great Job!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I really liked this poem and I think you executed it well! you can really feel the emotion coming from the speaker and from the characters presented. You can really feel a closeness for the boy in the story. I am wondering though what this poem represents and its message to its readers is. another suggestion is to just watch for filler words that aren’t needed for the content of the poem. Great Job!

    ReplyDelete
  8. i think you did an amazing amazing job with this poem! the fact that you were able to keep it going and maintain it being interesting is amazing! I loved your use of the boy in the poem and how much you gave to him! from what i learned in class and used in my poems is when you change the ing ending words to present it takes away a lot of the clutter and makes the poem shine more! awesome job!

    ReplyDelete