Go Get Me a Sonnet
She handed me the keys and said “please go”
A list of groceries fourteen lines long.
I’m not the greatest shopper, this you should know,
It’s just as hard as writing this song.
But these fourteen lines, are the current goal
Searching around for the most perfect one,
I NEED A LINE
A few lines down now, I'm almost done.
The last of these were very difficult to find,
Weaving through narrow isles and stumbling blocks,
All of this exertion has fogged my mind,
Yet only twelve minutes have passed on my clock.
Upon my return, accomplished and tired,
I have here the fourteen you desired.
I really like your idea of bridging a shopping experience to that of writing a sonnet. However, a few of the connections you wrote about between these ideas seem a bit unclear: "Reaching to grab what’s on top of the stack"- does this relate to writing a sonnet? How? Also, "All of this exertion has fogged my mind,/Yet only twelve minutes have passed on my clock"- these lines seem to fall a little flat and unrelated to the idea of shopping.
ReplyDeleteGreat job though!
I loved how you wrote a sonnet about writing a sonnet! Very clever! It was interesting how you compared it to the hardship of having to go grocery shopping with a long list. I liked How you weaved the two tasks together to form one burden. I felt though that it felt more like “telling” and not “showing.” Creative!
ReplyDeleteI agree with the above comments I think that this was such a creative idea to mix together both the task of you writing the poem and writing another grouping of words. Maybe you were even actually making your shopping list at the same time :)
ReplyDeleteIn my opinion the meter was pretty good but I think that if the format was better and there were actually 14 lines the meter would be easier to read.
Also the phrase "lines on it" maybe can be formatted better?
Great job overall! Very impressed!
It is very interesting how the speaker compared writing a sonnet to grocery shopping. One of my favorite lines is “all of this exertion has fogged my mind.” I really thought that the speaker showed more than told. However, the rest of the poem seems more telling than showing. It would have been nice if the sonnet was actually 14 lines, then that sentence would make more sense.
ReplyDeleteIt is very interesting how the speaker compared writing a sonnet to grocery shopping. One of my favorite lines is “all of this exertion has fogged my mind.” I really thought that the speaker showed more than told. However, the rest of the poem seems more telling than showing. It would have been nice if the sonnet was actually 14 lines, then that sentence would make more sense.
ReplyDeleteI really liked the idea of writing a sonnet about the your process of actually writing it, as many of us can relate to the struggle. Just as food shopping can be difficult, so can writing a sonnet and you portrayed this frantic feeling beautifully.
ReplyDeleteAlthough I liked the last line, I would try to actually make the poem 14 lines because it would have a stronger effect, but maybe it is just the layout of the blog.
Great job!
Very clever way of describing the process of writing a poem. Good imagery , descriptive word choices, and use of a sonnet form; I thought the poem was a good length for this topic. Only correction I would make is switch "isles" to "aisles" because I think that's what you meant instead. Good job!
ReplyDeleteI really like the idea of writing a sonnet about the diffculty of sonnet writing, but I think some of your wrod choices could use some work. Because of the rhyming scheme, it seems to want to be finding a pleasant rhythm and I think that's the direction you want to go, but you use a lot of consonance and strong-sounding/unpoetic words, which interfere with the poetic rhythm. I think you should read this outload a few times to hear how the words sounds together and then revise to include more musical assonance to help the words flow together more.
ReplyDeleteHi! Interesting idea to write about how to write a sonnet in relation to a grocery list!
ReplyDeleteSomething I think could improve this poem is changing some of the words that seem to be put in the poem just to make the rhyme scheme work. For example, the word "adore" seems out of place- it seems unlikely that the groceries will induce such a strong emotion. Additionally the words "this you should know" seem to be space fillers and could be replaced with descriptive imagery.
Hi! Interesting idea to write about how to write a sonnet in relation to a grocery list!
ReplyDeleteSomething I think could improve this poem is changing some of the words that seem to be put in the poem just to make the rhyme scheme work. For example, the word "adore" seems out of place- it seems unlikely that the groceries will induce such a strong emotion. Additionally the words "this you should know" seem to be space fillers and could be replaced with descriptive imagery.
Nice job working on this sonnet. They are quite a challenge, and hearing the meter takes some practice. Your rhyme scheme is already a sonnet if we include the off and slant rhymes, but your meter is off.
ReplyDeleteSome of these lines are already in pentameter: lines one and eight are in good meter.
I would love to see you work on the rhythms in this poem, revising by voice and ear as we have been practicing. Remember: iambic pentameter is five two-syllable units in which most of the units follow a patter of unstressed, then stressed.
Some of these lines are close to iambic pentameter. With a little more tweaking, they can be in meter. Below are two examples. For both examples, the first line is your original, and in the second, I revise it to iambic pentameter for you.
"I’m not a great shopper, this you should know,"
I'm not the greatest shopper you should should know
"The last few were very difficult to find,"
The last of these were difficult to find
The word "sonnet" is not an iamb. It follows a stressed, then unstressed pattern (a trochee). So it's nearly impossible to use this as an end word in a sonnet, as you do here in line four.
In other lines, the problems are in the middle, so they will be easier to edit without changing the rhyme scheme.
I hope these comments help you to revise the poem closer to a traditional sonnet. I'm looking forward to our meeting.
As a side note, could you please widen the middle area of your blog, so that you can use lines of poetry without them getting cut off? Using a standard template seems to work better if you do not know how to adjust these things. Notice how few words appear in a row before getting cut off in your current format.
Tamar I like the idea for the metaphor of this poem that searching for the right words in a poem can be like perusing the aisles of a supermarket. It was comical how you write a poem about writing a poem too! The capitalization of I NEED A LINE was a clever way to be emphatic and powerful. I'm not sure the meter was exactly as a sonnet should be though. I'd love to see a more natural flow and rhythm.
ReplyDelete