I Didn’t Help
She insisted on a hug and kiss
I would run away
She smelled like the cloudy smoke of a cigarette
When she needed help with her suitcases
I would make myself look busy
I did not want my hands on those old ratty things
A glass of seltzer
And a banana
Others can fetch it
But certainly not me
She’s not even family
I would always complain
But all too soon found myself
Sitting by her side
The nurse inserted the needle
We traveled into a different world
For those afternoon hours
For those afternoon hours
One plastic sac attached after another
I watched eyes filled with uncertainty
Staring back at me
Why didn’t I help when I could have?
Now I have no power in this battle
So I just watched and softly grazed her hand
And I came to know her
A person who had dreams and hopes for her future
I became too familiar with these hallways
On the oncology floor
On the oncology floor
The bright colored garden painted on the wall
Appeared gloomy and gray
The nervousness and fear disguised
By the wide smiles of cheerful nurses
And then the sound of a ring
Rising over the howling call of the bitter
nighttime wind
Why didn’t I help when I could have?
Good start to the class with this poem. Especially in the first half, you use a lot of descriptive imagery, and your use of line breaks is interesting--showing you exploring their effects. I also felt you did well without punctuation. I didn't miss it at all.
ReplyDeleteI do have some suggestions for improvement. Although there are some good details here, there are also some TOLD rather than SHOWN moments, such as "The nervousness and fear disguised / By the wide smiles of cheerful nurses." The first part of this is abstract, while the second part can be seen. It would be better if the nervousness and fear could also be seen, instead of being labeled with abstractions.
I would also try not to explain so much. Trust your readers to "get it." The emotional core of this poem is regret at not trying to help. I like that, and I think a lot of people can relate. But the feeling will be more powerful if you give our imaginations more credit. The last line, for example, sums it all up too much. The ending is much much better if you simply cut it.
My advice is to trust your readers more, edit out overly told and explained lines, and end with an image or a scene. Hope this helps.
I like the refrain of "Why didn't I help when I could have," it conveys a sense of helplessness and the thoughts that run through one's head in such a situation. I also felt that the concrete visuals -- the banana, the suitcase, the smell of smoke, really allow the reader to access the speaker's past and relate to the decisions the speaker made even though they were wrong and the speaker later regrets them.
ReplyDeleteHi!
ReplyDeleteI like that this poem has a theme of uncertainty that seems to drive the speaker to feel the loss of power and control, while also acknowledging that the speaker used to be in control and made regretful choices.
"Why didn't I help when I could have?"
It is her uncertainty for her past actions, and the patient's uncertainty for her future. The theme really helps to abstractly convey what the reader should be feeling.
The first half of the poem does a great job with imagery and conveying emotion. The speaker in the poem has a distinct voice. The second half of the poem does a lot of telling and the descriptions are flat and less imagistic. I wish we could see more of the sick patient and the speaker and their emotions.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed the imagery of this poem, especially in the beginning. Though, more towards the end, I didn't feel as absorbed as I felt in the beginning. I think more dark imagery about how the author felt would help with that, rather than just describing the room. Otherwise, pretty good!
ReplyDeleteI personally felt the immense guilt of the speaker as I read through the poem. The repetition of "why didn't I help when I could have?" really established the hopelessness of the situation and how greatly impacted the speaker becomes. Because the woman that becomes sick in the poem isn't family, I wonder what her relationship to the speaker is. I actually like that you don't make that clear to the readers because it allows us to try to discover the relationship ourselves. -Abigail Adler
ReplyDeleteAs I was reading the second half of the poem, I could feel the guilt and helplessness that the speaker is feeling. I found it interesting that the speaker never actually reveals who this person is to her; only saying that "She's not even family"
ReplyDeleteI think this perfectly allows the readers to interpret it in their own way.
This poem is great. I felt what the speaker felt - annoyance and regret, I felt like i was at the scen. The imagery of the oncology floor made everything seem so real. Good job!
ReplyDeleteThe images in this poem were very vivid and I could imagine myself in that situation. Also, I think the "she" of the poem being left anonymous and not really "seeing" the hallway to allow the reader to introspect and seize the opportunities that they are given, even if they are not in the same situation as the speaker of the poem.
ReplyDeleteHI!! I really liked a lot of the images in this poem, especially the glass of seltzer and the banana! I also liked the description of "plastic sac" to set the hospital-like scene.
ReplyDeleteI liked the way you began the poem by building the woman's persona and the relationship with the speaker. It set the tone to understand the gravity of the rest of the poem. I also appreciated the ambiguity of the ''ring'' at the end. It gave way to flexible mental images and sounds.
ReplyDelete